september 9th, 2025 12:15am
I've fallen back into my pit. I'm on a downward spiral and I can't stop descending. I feel discomfort in all areas of life, I've come to realize. I was sat in a café this morning and couldn't focus on my work because I feel a constant sense of unease deep in my gut whenever I'm near others. It may be egocentrism getting the best of me, since nobody is looking at me or even interacting with me, and yet I feel watched and judged, and worse, completely disconnected from any and all humanity. I've never felt human. I don't find comfort in the outside world, I want to stay in and listen to my music and write. If the world were empty, then I could take my walks and finally feel calm. I do feel calm taking walks, but as soon as somebody shows up, I panic. Where to look, what to do with the ever-pendulous arms, how to put one foot after the other; do I look normal? Sitting at my seminar, I've realized that I possess an incredibly feeble-minded view of the world. This view has established a belief that I am a victim, that I am good, pure of heart, and that others should understand me and appreciate me without second thought. But do I understand others? Do I care to understand why they might do the things they do? Do I ever stop to think about how they might have had a shitty day, a shitty life, and that they might be just as uncomfortable as me sitting in a hot room, forced to talk to strangers? Could I ever begin to accept life's painful truth; that some people just don't like me? Like I never refrain from talking to others I don't like based on first impressions, I do it all the time. So why am I so special? I'm not, and that's exactly where the problem lies. I need to be liked, I need to be normal, or none of this matters. Life simply doesn't count if I can't be liked. The only thing I have is my vanity, but even that lacks foundation. I was never blessed with beauty. So many holes and such little substance, added up, compounded, I'm worth zilch, nil, nought. But I can think, and I care for others, is that worth anything? I love my family more than life itself, and I care deeply for the friends I do have. Could I ever be redeemable? Maybe that's all I want to be.
april 24th, 2025 10:16pm
Purged my diary once again. Is it possible to read old writings and not want to vomit? Not for me at least. I just find myself so incredibly embarassing and dull.